much ado about nothing

So we are sorta between internet connections at home...thus the unexpected "Spinning My Plates" hiatus. So, please accept my apologies and bear with me while I try resolve our technical difficulties. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...


Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you


I immediately thought of my twin bugs and the shift in my thinking once I became a parent. But then I thought no, that's too cliche. Then I thought about Jesus and my relationship with Him and how that's impacted me but I couldn't find a picture that wasn't too hokey and funny looking. I thought about putting my hubby...then my family. My co-workers, my friends...all these people have had an impact on me. And all in a good way. But I looked at the subject again...impact doesn't necessarily mean good and could, in fact, be bad...very bad.

I think quantifying "biggest" is quite difficult. I have been impacted by lots of things, in lots of ways. Was there one that was bigger than all the rest? biggest? hmmm...I'm thinking, I'm thinking. If I could turn back time and change one moment in my life it would definitely be that day in 1985 when I shattered my right knee cap. A few days short of my 16th birthday, if I could have just stepped down off that curb in a different way, in a different spot. That one moment in time has forever changed my life. I know that sounds melodramatic and possibly even a bit contrived. But from where I stand, that one thing, that motion, that step (or rather misstep) has had the biggest impact on me.


I never completed proper physical therapy. Maybe it was because my parents were too busy running their restaurant to get me there 3 times a week, maybe I was a petulant teenager who thought she knew better. Either way, my leg did not heal correctly and now some 26 years later I still can't use it properly.

Am I bitter? Perhaps. I don't spend lots of time thinking about it but when I look at my daily life most everything I do is shaped by the fact that my leg does not bend or extend fully. I have to sit with the seat back as far as possible in the car. Getting in the passenger side of most cars is tough. I sort of have to lean over into the driver side to get my leg in. That's not in and of itself a big deal...unless there's someone in the driver's seat. It's especially awkward to put my head on someone's lap if I am not intimately familiar with them...if you know what I mean.

I cannot sit in the backseat of a car. I cannot ride a bike or rollerskate. I cannot kneel. And now in my old age the deterioration caused by osteo arthritis is making life very difficult. I use a cane some times and I ride a buggy at the grocery store. I have a tough time getting up and down. I know I appear to be the laziest person in the world but really I'm not. I just know that getting up and down will hurt. I also know that standing will hurt and walking more than a few steps will also in fact be painful. Oh, I take meds and yes, they take the edge off...but short of getting a new knee I will not know physical activity without pain for the rest of my life. I have a handicapped placard hanging in my car and I feel more like 72 than 42.

Now, I know what you're thinking because my doctor thinks the same thing. If I wasn't overweight I probably wouldn't be having such a hard time. And that's probably true. But how do I change something that's been with me my whole life? I don't know how else to be. I have tried all manner of weight loss programs and I always come to the same end: it's easier to do nothing. That nothingness offers instant gratification. If I do nothing well then I can't fail at nothing.

But, it appears I am at critical mass (ha, ha). My family doctor has never given me a hard time about my weight. He knows my issues and he knows I am for the most part an otherwise healthy person. But, I made the mistake of going in for a check up. I had no complaints I was just there to get a prescription. That's when he sprung it on me, "I think it's time we do something about your weight."

So to make this long rambling story short(er), I have started on what is most likely the 467th journey to change myself. To recreate who I am from the inside out. I am seeking professional help and more than the number on the scale...I am watching and waiting for the loss of my body to bring a gain in my mobility. For when there is less of me there surely will be more getting around. I promise not to bore you with all the gory details. But you may find my writing makes a shift in perspective.


I'd like to invite you come along on this journey with me. I will need all the help I can get. I can't make promises but I can tell you that if I keep doing what I always did, I will get what I always got. And that's a whole lot of nothing.