Saturday, March 12, 2011

much ado about nothing

So we are sorta between internet connections at home...thus the unexpected "Spinning My Plates" hiatus. So, please accept my apologies and bear with me while I try resolve our technical difficulties. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

I immediately thought of my twin bugs and the shift in my thinking once I became a parent. But then I thought no, that's too cliche. Then I thought about Jesus and my relationship with Him and how that's impacted me but I couldn't find a picture that wasn't too hokey and funny looking. I thought about putting my hubby...then my family. My co-workers, my friends...all these people have had an impact on me. And all in a good way. But I looked at the subject again...impact doesn't necessarily mean good and could, in fact, be bad...very bad.

I think quantifying "biggest" is quite difficult. I have been impacted by lots of things, in lots of ways. Was there one that was bigger than all the rest? biggest? hmmm...I'm thinking, I'm thinking. If I could turn back time and change one moment in my life it would definitely be that day in 1985 when I shattered my right knee cap. A few days short of my 16th birthday, if I could have just stepped down off that curb in a different way, in a different spot. That one moment in time has forever changed my life. I know that sounds melodramatic and possibly even a bit contrived. But from where I stand, that one thing, that motion, that step (or rather misstep) has had the biggest impact on me.

I never completed proper physical therapy. Maybe it was because my parents were too busy running their restaurant to get me there 3 times a week, maybe I was a petulant teenager who thought she knew better. Either way, my leg did not heal correctly and now some 26 years later I still can't use it properly.

Am I bitter? Perhaps. I don't spend lots of time thinking about it but when I look at my daily life most everything I do is shaped by the fact that my leg does not bend or extend fully. I have to sit with the seat back as far as possible in the car. Getting in the passenger side of most cars is tough. I sort of have to lean over into the driver side to get my leg in. That's not in and of itself a big deal...unless there's someone in the driver's seat. It's especially awkward to put my head on someone's lap if I am not intimately familiar with them...if you know what I mean.

I cannot sit in the backseat of a car. I cannot ride a bike or rollerskate. I cannot kneel. And now in my old age the deterioration caused by osteo arthritis is making life very difficult. I use a cane some times and I ride a buggy at the grocery store. I have a tough time getting up and down. I know I appear to be the laziest person in the world but really I'm not. I just know that getting up and down will hurt. I also know that standing will hurt and walking more than a few steps will also in fact be painful. Oh, I take meds and yes, they take the edge off...but short of getting a new knee I will not know physical activity without pain for the rest of my life. I have a handicapped placard hanging in my car and I feel more like 72 than 42.

Now, I know what you're thinking because my doctor thinks the same thing. If I wasn't overweight I probably wouldn't be having such a hard time. And that's probably true. But how do I change something that's been with me my whole life? I don't know how else to be. I have tried all manner of weight loss programs and I always come to the same end: it's easier to do nothing. That nothingness offers instant gratification. If I do nothing well then I can't fail at nothing.

But, it appears I am at critical mass (ha, ha). My family doctor has never given me a hard time about my weight. He knows my issues and he knows I am for the most part an otherwise healthy person. But, I made the mistake of going in for a check up. I had no complaints I was just there to get a prescription. That's when he sprung it on me, "I think it's time we do something about your weight."

So to make this long rambling story short(er), I have started on what is most likely the 467th journey to change myself. To recreate who I am from the inside out. I am seeking professional help and more than the number on the scale...I am watching and waiting for the loss of my body to bring a gain in my mobility. For when there is less of me there surely will be more getting around. I promise not to bore you with all the gory details. But you may find my writing makes a shift in perspective.

I'd like to invite you come along on this journey with me. I will need all the help I can get. I can't make promises but I can tell you that if I keep doing what I always did, I will get what I always got. And that's a whole lot of nothing.